Heavy Heart

Music is powerful.

I'm sure it doesn't affect everyone the same, but it is a powerful force with me. It always has been.

I was reminded of that today. I woke with a heavy heart, knowing this day would not be easy as an American, or a journalist. I knew I would see the images over and over again, and would feel the grief and loss again.

My mood shifted a lot. Sometimes, I was sad beyond words. Sometimes I felt okay, almost normal. Sometimes I could see video of the twin towers and not feel the lump in my throat. But add some music, and I was a wreck.

I went to the grocery story tonight. I felt fine. As I left, I even thought about the fact that I felt okay. In the car on the way home, I was listening to N.P.R., and they were talking about a song that has become the anthem of grief for our nation. I can't remember the name of the song, but I recognized it. It's a song dominated by stringed instruments - all playing dissonant chords. To hear the music, the familiar weight of grief returned. It's been under the surface all day, hidden, then emerging at the slightest catalyst.

I am sad. But I know tomorrow will be easier for me, as will the next day. But I guess one of the things that saddens me the most, is thinking about the people who will not feel much better tomorrow. Today, I remembered 9-11, but many can't forget it even for a moment. I saw an interview today with a woman who lost her husband. She was asked if there were at least a few good days now. She said no. Each day she just tries to make it through. I am sad for her and the thousands of others who's burdens will not be lifted tomorrow.